Conversations with the Rabbit-Hole

Those eyes. That hunch. The contrast between the droopy but bug-eyed, stubbled, “computer person” for lack of a better word, and the people and dog outside is night and day. A blue light literally shadows our computer person’s face. I completely relate. This illustrates one of the reasons I am more inclined toward a non-diagnostic approach (after studying everything I did! Still, diagnosing has its place and is very much needed.) According to the definition of internet addiction, we may all easily be described as addicted based on the amount of time we spend.

I’m going to go off on a tangent here and make a comment on culture-bound syndromes (not too much because I will go on forever)— that particularly among people of color, and from what I know as someone of Korean descent, "certain mental illnesses” are not classified as such so long as everyone from your group perceives it as “normal.” For us, it includes psychosomatic symptoms, for others it may be marijuana use (separating the communal and spiritual purpose from diagnostic criteria for Cannabis use disorder). Did you get that? So it is this idea that everyone’s doing it (whatever it is), and therefore your behaviors and symptoms are not abnormal. NB: This is nevertheless pathologized by its neat categorization in the DSM as “culture bound syndromes”.

So during this period of Spring 2020, it has become normalized to sit at our computers for hours on end. I like to imagine our hours on the internet as a normal response, but even without being on actual meetings with other humans through the screen, we are all having conversations with these computers, daily. To the point where I wonder if a “computer person” is one who went down a slippery slope/rabbit hole long enough that they would not be the same person if they did not have a device on them. If essentially our devices become extensions of ourselves and whether you can call it a “normal human response.”

I even feel badly about writing too long for the sake of my eyes and yours :). But I must end with the point that with these conversations (AKA all the google searches and downloads we make that probably provides more information about us than some of the people in our lives will ever know) come a huge drain on our ability to attend to our Truth. And whenever I stumble across something, even if it is a snippet of unexpected wisdom on how to bring oneself back, I am reminded of how irreplaceable we each are. We may constantly be on our computers, we may wish we were “just as good” as our computers to accomplish what we want. But the most important thing is that we have the gift of being decision makers over where we spend our time and interchangeably with our resources.

The work of healers irrevocably involves in some capacity the client’s relationship with their computers. Because this connects ceaselessly with their relationship with their worth, both inherently and as monetized. And the clients’ relationship with their money involves their relationship to their healing and to their healer. While we have that gift of deciding what to do, whether we actually think we do and that we can is a whole nother matter. So for this computer person, while they may have commitments that require long encounters with https:// , I hope healers can be like that sunshine coming in from the window that yes, you do have to take some time (and resources) to look at. But to trust that it is worth it because, you know what, a computer person is very much a person.

That Galaxy we Know as eLearning

Oh boy is there a post coming. After I complete this eLearning course I’m taking :)

Being all about the money

This picture gave me pause and reminded me of marijuana. I’ll explain. It reminded me of a drama therapy technique used by teens at a program I interned at in graduate school—one of the teens “became” marijuana and they utilized playback theater techniques to perform / provide psychodrama to the audience. Pretty cool, right?

But back to the illustration. There’s something immediately fake about this—we are not reducible to dollars, and it is also a paradox for money to lie down and spend itself on therapy—it’ll be counterproductive to be spending itself, perhaps risking literally melting like the Wicked Witch of the West?

The jarring thought I had based on that interpretation was of what it meant for the practitioner and how they saw their client. Was this person a dollar sign to them? Are they providing services that genuinely are in their best interests? The general public may not know there is a Code of Ethics, at least with social workers, that we must abide by. It describes the many ways we must serve in the best interest of the client. While this is a subjective matter, therapists and other healers will probably know if there is an impasse and there is a better way. Essentially, a professional judgment on whether someone is really in need of greater treatment, should be referred out, or remain so that it can be all about the money.

As financially dire as these times can be, these are equally dire choices that a conscientious, reliable and caring healer must make. As someone who has also spent a lot of time and money in the past on therapy (a lot of it unhelpful), is sitting on a bank of knowledge and experience, and just setting out my shingle, this is one commitment that reflects my values. Honesty is one of the things I value about myself and value in others, and it is critical for genuine success at all levels and in all ways.

Can we laugh about money?

Our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with money. Money healing, especially money humor. Our need for healing in crisis, but investing in the healing is literally an investment. As a social worker I have always been fascinated by the therapeutic frameworks we’ve learned and use to address these and every other relationship in a holistic manner. And yet the prominence of certain issues over others—in this case the cost of lives and the livelihoods lost during a global pandemic—bring us to a place of needing to claim our value and worth. As the common proverb all over the world conveys—those who provide must also do so for themselves. This can be a great pivotal first step towards a tremendous transition for all—for where we choose to spend our resources and how we create more and enrich others. To have intrinsic worth, but added invaluable worth by not seeing this sharing as sacrifice. It is an investment into our ability to make and give more. And so in between the times when we can only cry and mourn, may we heal and with that, remember how to laugh. In a time of limited resources, joy is one resource that comes at no measurable cost. It is inherently energizing, and equips us to give more. Find your joy.

Monopoly Man

How we ended up where we did to begin with.

I have a lot to say about this, they were a blizzard of things in my head. I’ll simmer and synthesize them into something digestible. More to come.

The Story Behind the Story

The Wizard of Oz is very much an inspiration for the creation of this website, as much as it is for my current therapeutic approach. I practice therapy listening intently for the places of hope in between the confusion, overwhelm, and exhaustion that brings people in. Therapy is a place of irreality because, let’s be real, even when it is known as a safe space we know that the problems are very much real—and even on a day of breakthrough, you don’t walk out of the office (or log off the computer) in Oz. And yet there is something incredibly powerful, irreplaceable, even magical connection when you and your therapist “get there”. The story of this website is that it starts off with my own insecurities, because they are no secret and they are nothing to be ashamed of or surprised about. It’s 2020 and everyone’s gotta feed themselves and their cat!

Dorothy had Toto. I have Tigger. Specifically, a golden tuxedo furball who looks just like Puss in Boots when he wants something from you or is feeling playful. Cats, specifically house cats, are blissfully unaware of everything going on. They still wake up for meals when it is time, and are asleep for the majority of the time. Yawning slowly and meowing a demand for a head massage or playtime (because it has to be on THEIR terms, on THEIR schedule), I am reminded that life, at its fundamental core, is a series of impermanent, daily rhythms of the sun’s rise and fall. We can be a massive heap of our own rhythms usually more scattered and percussive than rhythmic—but we have that natural tendency to gravitate towards our own equilibrium. It might be in a land that seems far far different from life before COVID. But if the story of Oz is an allegory that points to the destination of recovery, perhaps we can take consolation that even if a house falls on our head (and of course it doesn’t just fall on the Witched Witches of the world, if such absolutes do exist (I’m conflicted on that one)), we’re okay. It takes a long healing journey, but we get there.

Where are you?

I wore these shoes daily to Rikers Island. For unfortunate and appropriate reasons they are made of Gore Tex - waterproof and breathable. It’s been two months since I’ve left, and I photograph them in my garage.

I ask this question of us because now, place matters more than ever before. Where we are in the world means how likely we are to be safe, and how likely we are to not see loved ones pass. Where we are is more complex than the place we are physically located. Our computer screen and other devices are where we have our family gatherings, group chats, business calls, and in my case, tele-therapy.

Where we are has never more been an amalgam of thoughts and feelings in an enclosed physical space. As they meet and collide with others around us, we are further orbited into other places beyond the walls which contain us. That argument over the state of the kitchen. Even over the cat. And finally, over money. Often these conversations spiral into a tornado of our own insecurities and fears, and can revert back on a trip down memory lane, and all the triggers along the way. Does it sound like I’m talking about myself? :)

In all seriousness these sentiments are echoed and predictable, given our nature as humans and our inherent and nevertheless beautiful humanity. So if I were to ask you, Where are you? the place I would be the most interested in is: Where you are with how all of this is feeling. As a mental health practitioner, I believe that is the most important. Sadly this is often not prioritized, or has not had to be until now. Perhaps this will be the starting point.